NOTES
Lessons From SingleLife Camp
“Sex” Table – Topics included:
Ø How do you begin a conversation about “tests” and when do you begin it?
o Hold conversation in a private and safe space
o Don’t have this conversation on the first contact – but certainly you engage in behavior that can put you at risk.
o Trust your gut instincts –
o Ask yourself “How much do you know them, do you trust their honesty?’”
o It’s a scary conversation to have.
Ø Safe Dating – meeting someone you met on-line, off-line
o Share as much info as you have with a trusted friend
§ On-line handle/name
§ license plate of his/her car
§ his/her phone number
§ phone number of where you are going (restaurant)
o Meet in a public place
o [woman who made this comment says that she’s still ‘looking for answers to how to get info without turning off date.’
Ø How to meet people and be friends?
o Pursue your passion/hobby – in it find your tribe
“Geisha Table [What do they know that I don’t?]
Ø Can’t be one in American culture – not a norm
Ø Interesting topic/conversation
Ø Basic difference between geisha and prostitute – a geisha focus’ upon entertainment and pleasure, a prostitute focus’ upon manipulation and manipulation. One’s asks: “What can I give?” The other asks: “What can I get?”
Ø Observation: in a pluralistic society – all learn from each others and apply what we learn.
Ø European and African women seek harmony – a Yin/Yang approach rather than a competitive competition – with individuals or with the world at large.
Ø To be a geisha – you must focus on the other’s pleasure – he’s the only focus and your needs are secondary. “He’s it, and you are there to elevate his Chi.” Here seduction is an art where both engage to make a pleasurable experience.
Parenting Table – Dating when you have children
Ø It’s challenging
Ø Be up front with the kids and make sure that the children know that you are not replacing them, but looking for adult companionship for yourself.
Carlos Hernandez Seduction Table -
Ø Dynamic factor whether you are man or woman.
Ø Women raised as feminists or focused upon their equal stature can have trouble knowing when and how to give into a man so he can extend his ability to be supportive.
Ø When you are up front about the game of seduction, the manipulation is OK – there’s a bit of discussion about Carlos telling his ‘prey’ that as he does ‘this’ to them, they are going to feel ‘that,’ and that they can choose to enjoy it. In other words “I’m doing this to you, you are responding in this way, we are engaged in the play of seduction.”
Ø Carlos advises men to learn the art of seduction – and learn to become a giver – because women respond to the signals of a giver.
Ø [Melissa observes: is the male counterpart of a geisha, a seducer?”
Dating Challenges over 40
Ø The moment you set out an expectation- you are lost
Ø Get yourself out there – be positive
Carole Shattil with CheckMate.com - “Friend yourself – Be confident with yourself and who you are. Learn how to become comfortable with being alone. This is the BASIC skill set. Without it – you ‘stink’ of desperation.
Rachelle: “You go out on a date, you have a great time. He doesn’t call. Why does it have to be like that?”
Ø Guys will ask for a phone number just to get out of a conversation or situation that they don’t want to pursue any more.
Ø Create a space of abundance – date lots of guys so if one doesn’t call – it doesn’t matter. Especially important so you don’t fixate.
Ø Don’t make them try out as your life partner. Just see who they are, keep it light, keep it simple, have fun. “Chill.”
Jo Ann – on on-line dating –
1) some people are better with meeting in person, and that’s OK
2) Personality never comes across in on-line dating
Bob – enjoyed myself, surprised because friend dragged him along. He discovered that most of the talks he engaged in were about life, and being single is a part of it – but only a part.
Patti Mangan – Tango Diva – Women tend to travel right after a breakup – to discover themselves. When women travel they get an opportunity to ‘visit themselves’ far from the trappings of career, family, role in society up to then.
Kim – Stepping outside of [her] box is fun. You have to give to get.
Melissa’s comments
I think that the most important thing to understand about our world at the moment is that the old paradigm’s are not working. They don’t work for our economy, or religion, or science, or relationships. I came to this event reluctantly – I couldn’t imagine why anyone in a multi-dimensional universe would label themselves as ‘single.’
To use that label me – limits me to always being alone. I engage in my life with passion, and I meet others of like mind. If I’ve wanted a relationship – there’s one to have. About a year ago I left my long-time partner of nine years and, to use Jeri’s phrase, went solo again. I love it – my space is my own, my time is used to my preferences, and the tension of having to adjust to another’s needs that grew further and further away from my own is over.
Based on my conversations with SingleLife Camp participants and presenters, I came away with three things
1. There is a correlation between self-esteem and being single.
If someone lacks a good sense of self and positive feeling about who they are – then it seems that being single is a very hard experience for them. For people who feel good about themselves and have self-confidence, even if their lives had collapsed around them, they had the friendship networks, tools and personality to work with what they have and continue to engage with life in a positive way.
2. There is an important cultural discussion to be had regarding the left-over Victorian language and societal moirees. Our lives as adult humans transition in and out of relationships – even significant ones.
Our culture must change it’s laws, institutions, and understanding of social custom to accommodate these new changes and create a new paradigm that reflects our culture’s changes.
3. Nobody owns the word “camp.”
Thanks to Melissa Penn for taking the notes during our Final Session.
We will be adding additional notes from the individuals sessions soon.
